The Jeremy Kyle Show Comes To Town
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACK FIC! The main characters from TMI go on the Jeremy Kyle Show and they discuss the various family situations and just WHO is the person who instigated all the problems in their lives. Includes Jeremy, of course! R&R HUMOROUS! Needs a better title!


_Back from my history revision session (exam is tomorrow, argh) & was bored… so I'm continuing with the fic I started before._

_Mega depressed, though, since I got up late today so _I missed Jeremy Kyle!

_Don't own anything… unfortunately…_

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"Hello, and welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show, the place where the squabbling families can be helped to be able to resolve their problems – or advised to never see each other again," Jeremy begins with a smile as he addresses the audience of Nephilim, vampires, werewolves and warlocks. "Today, we have a _very_ complicated case, involving a great number of people. So, without further ado, let us get Clary Fray out, ladies and gentlemen!"

The audience applauds as they ought to, as the young, small, ginger girl comes out on stage. She smiles somewhat shyly as she takes a seat in the coveted black leather chairs, noting how all but one are clustered together. "Hey, Jeremy, how are you?" she greets him with a happy smile.

"Hello, Clary," Jeremy responds, his note cards already in his hand. "So, you are here to…?" he leaves the question open, for Clary to fill in herself.

"I'm here to sort out family relations and to find out just _who_ is in the wrong for everything that went on," she says in a strong voice, knowing that it is Valentine but wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt… at least, until she finishes the show.

"So, you were raised by your mother in New York as a mundane like me?" Jeremy uses the appropriate terminology in the current situation – he's been paid extra specially to come and do this magical performance of his show.

"Yes, me and my mother lived a happy life, with her friend Luke," Clary confirms with a smile. "I later found out that she had sent me to a warlock every two years, Magnus Bane, to wipe my memories of being a Shadowhunter and seeing demons," she continues, and the audience takes in a collective gasp of shock.

Jeremy raises his eyebrows at this, wondering whether or not there is scope here to question her relationship with her mother. "So, as your mother did such a thing, did this cause a rift in your relationship?"

Clary shakes her head after a short deliberation. "No, mainly because she was unconscious at the time – of her own doing. She, with the help of another warlock, had put herself under this spell thing incase Valentine came after her – which he did. If she had been awake, I don't know, but she was unconscious for such a long time after that and then something else happened, so that sort of got pushed under the carpet."

Jeremy nods, then remembers the absolute _mass_ of people backstage, so decides to rush things on a bit. "Thank you, Clary. Now, it is time for Jocelyn and Luke to come on – Clary's mother and stepfather!"

The audience clap dutifully as a bigger version of Clary and a pretty hunky (in an older guy sort of way) come out onto the stage. They exchange a kiss with Clary with Jocelyn sitting by her side and Luke next to her.

"So you live together, right?" Jeremy confirms and they nod. "When was the wedding?"

"Last year – about six months after Idris and everything that went on," Jocelyn explains, flashing off the gold and diamond wedding ring that she has. Luke simply smiles and tightens his grip on her hand.

"So, why do _you_ think that you are here today, Luke?" Jeremy addresses the strong and silent (as far) man who is sitting on the stage.

"I think we're here to simply sort out who is who in the situation and remember who is related to whom," he answers after a short pause.

"So, you are a happy family?" Jeremy confirms and the three of them nod. "What about if we bring on Jace Wayland, ladies and gentlemen?" the audience go _wild_, all waiting to see a piece of the hottie.

With an arrogant swagger, Jace walks onto the stage and sits down next to Clary, taking her hand. Of course, Jocelyn scowls at this – she doesn't really like Jace – but some people in the audience boo at this. They probably still think Jace and Clary are related. Evidently, the news of the parentage of the golden angel hasn't reached the rest of the magical – for want of a better word – world.

"Hey, honey," he says to Clary who swoons at his words.

"Hi," she responds, linking her fingers in with his whilst her mother glowers at the display of affection.

"So, I think we ought to clarify here for the audience the relationship between these two is _entirely_ legal," Jeremy says, before someone calls out from the audience, "Yeah, maybe in some third world country!"

Clary shakes her head and smiles. "Nope, Jace is the son of Celine and Stephen Herondale and was rescued by Valentine when she killed herself before he died. Then he raised him as Michael Wayland's son… so we're _not_ related," she explains simply, her ecstasy that it isn't illegal to love her boyfriend evident on her face.

"That's so cute," someone from the audience cries out, applauding them. This gets taken up by everyone (including Luke) besides Jocelyn, who doesn't seem happy at the fact her daughter is dating Jace.

"Jocelyn, you don't appear to be happy about Clary and Jace dating," Jeremy picks up this lack of enthusiasm and she nods.

"I don't know… they're very young and the amount of trouble he gets into…" Clary's mother trails off as her daughter shoots daggers at her. "Anyway, are we not supposed to be here to discuss who caused all the problems in the _past_, not now?" she changes the subject, causing the two teenagers to nod in agreement.

"Yeah, we are; this is _next_ week's topic," Jace says with his usual rolling tone. "Hey, Jeremy, can I introduce Alec and Isabelle as the next guests on the show?" he asks, suddenly showing much more enthusiasm in the show.

"You just did," Jeremy comments as the two Lightwood children emerge from the curtains. Unlike the _usual_ people on Jeremy Kyle, who usually turn up in their chavviest gear, Isabelle and Alec are extremely well dressed, the former in a designer dress whilst Alec is wearing a smart tux. "Wow, Alec, you are _very_ smartly dressed," Jeremy comments with a smile that makes the subject grimace.

"All bloody Magnus; I'm gonna tell him that if he doesn't stop dressing me that he is dumped," Alec says, heaving a sigh as he sits himself down in the chair next to Isabelle.

Before anyone can say anything, Magnus bursts out onto the stage, dressed in a blue sparkly suit with his hair pinned back with matching his clips. Naturally, he has more eyeliner on than Clary has ever worn in her life _put together_, with eyeshadow the colour of his suit.

"What?" he asks, dismayed at Alec's words. "You _can't_ dump me just because I made sure that you dressed properly!" he exclaims, using magic to move the chair from the other side of Luke to sit next to Alec.

"Can I book my own show to discuss this?" Alec asks Jeremy pointedly, a pained expression on his face.

"Well, next week is Clary and Jace, the week after is whether or not a werewolf cross shadowhunter baby would be a good idea, the week after _that_ is about little Maxie and his death, so we can slot you in the week after that?" Jeremy suggests, his eyes simply representing $ signs as he realises _how_ much cash he can get from this group of people. They're probably the most screwed up people he has ever seen – and that includes the group of chavs from Newcastle who slept with each other and ended up having each other's best friend's children… oh, lord, that took longer than anyone could possibly imagine to sort out!

"Sure, that'll work," Alec agrees and Jeremy writes this down in his little diary.

"Now, we're back onto business; just _who_ is responsible for the problems in life that you have all faced?" Jeremy asks, his eyes hiding his money motivation as he tries to resolve this problem.

"Um… Clary," Isabelle says, ducking her head.

"WHAT?" Clary screeches, turning to face her best female friend with a shocked look on her face. "Izzy, we're friends… I don't think friends accuse the other of being the one who murdered tonnes of people!"

"You're the one who was Valentine's daughter that he didn't know about , so you… actually, I don't know _why_ I said you," Isabelle contemplates. "It's probably because you dragging me means that I have to miss finding out whether or not Derek kills Peyton in One Tree Hill, since Simon got me hooked," she sighs, her eyes lighting up as she remembers her favourite series.

"Izzy, you've already seen every series sixteen times; you know that she survives!" Jace says with an irritated tone.

"Thanks for ruining it, jerk!" she retorts. "I'd like to change my answer. I think it's Jace simply because he is _such an arrogant prick_!" she hisses at him, folding her arms and turning away from him.

"So, Alec, what about you?" Jeremy asks the Lightwood boy who thinks.

"Valentine because if he wasn't around then none of these problems would be," he decides… there would only be the Lightwood children of this lot, since Jace would have died with Celine and Clary would have never been conceived without Valentine…

"Finally, a decent answer!" Clary huffs, taking her hand from Jace to fold her own arms. "I'm taking over asking the questions for a bit. Simon, where are you?" she yells the last question and the vampire appears from the side of the stage with red liquid coming down the side of his face. everyone, of course, recoils in horror until he holds his hands up and smiles.

"Relax, it's only food colouring!" he explains, throwing a little pot of the colouring into the room. "I just wanted to trick you all!"

He grabs the last remaining chair in the 'good' side of the camp, leaving the other two clear for the evil people coming. "Before any of you say anything, I think Raphael is the baddie in _my_ situation, since he is the one who ended up killing me. But overall, I believe that Valentine is the baddie. Now, have you any video games?"

Jeremy shakes his head, so the forever teenage Simon folds _his_ arms and leans back in his chair. "Right, so we have three votes for Valentine. Magnus, Jocelyn and Luke, where are you voting?"

"I was only joking! I want to vote for Valentine as well!" Isabelle calls suddenly, putting her phone down from updating her facebook status (now saying: **being forced to appear on Jeremy Kyle… check me out on ITV 1**) and concentrating on the situation. "So that is four votes for Valentine."

"Valentine," the remaining three chorus in union.

"So, unanimous voting for Valentine," Jeremy, unnecessarily, (everyone thinks he needs to be on this show soon) says, before continuing. "Yet on the Jeremy Kyle show, we believe in equality. Therefore, we have managed to create a machine that creates a temporary Valentine and Jonathon/Sebastian to defend themselves and to cast their own votes."

This is, of course, met with roars of outrage that they are bringing Valentine back, someone even the angel Raziel deemed unfit for the world. But Jeremy holds his hand up as two figures emerge from the side of the stage: Valentine and his son.

Boos are instant and people begin to throw absolutely everything that they can, but the things simply go through the semi corporeal figures of the dead figures. They cast glares over the others on the stage as they sit down together.

"Why hello, my wife," Valentine greets his now ex-wife in a friendly tone which she does not reciprocate. "Do you recognise your son?"

"He is no son of mine," she spits back. "_You're_ the one who made him into a demon. _My_ child is sat next to me."

"Yes, hello Clarissa, my daughter," Valentine continues in a silky smooth voice.

"Luke is my Dad, not you," she spits back and he looks horrified.

Jeremy decides to step in before he has to get security on – only happens in the worst of cases – so says, "Right, so we're going to clarify everything here, okay? Luke and Jocelyn are married and class Clary as their daughter… who is dating Jace, who is deemed the son of Maryse and Robert Lightwood and the brother to Alec and Isabelle, Alec who is dating Magnus. Jonathon has been disowned by his Mother and Valentine seems to be hated by all and has been disowned by his daughter. Is that everything?" Jeremy frowns as he tries to think of someone or something he has missed.

"That's all," Clary confirms.

"Right, so that's sorted," Jeremy says with a smile, grabbing his note card up from the floor and studying it. "So, Valentine and Jonathon, who do _you_ think is the person who started this all off?"

"Clary," Jonathon/Sebastian says instantly, his lips curling up as he says the name of his little sister. "If _she_ wasn't around, then firstly our mother wouldn't have left. Also, she is the one, with her stupid power, that meant that we didn't win and everything that happened is her fault."

Clary almost manages to get across the stage to attack the dead person, until Jeremy grabs her by the shoulders and wrenches her backwards. Jace then grabs her and pulls her into his lap, something which Jocelyn doesn't seem happy about but she can't do anything about.

"And you, Valentine?"

The big bad guy seems to contemplate this thought for a moment before answering. "Luke: if he had died when he was _supposed_ to, then he could never have followed Jocelyn with Clary to New York and all the mess there and such would have been resolved. Therefore, _he_ caused the majority of the mess here," he explains his decision, expecting Luke to come and attack him but he doesn't.

"You smell _really_ bad: is that what hell is like?" Simon randomly asks Valentine, the abruptness of this comment causing everyone on stage to laugh like crazy, relieving some of the tension.

"At least I can say God," Valentine shoots back, but Simon shrugs.

"At least I don't smell bad… oh and I'm not a crazy dude who tried to kill everyone but then failed because of his daughter. How does it feel, by the way, to be beaten by a girl?" he continues, but Valentine doesn't have a response.

Through his ear piece, Jeremy is informed that they have to wrap things up now.

"So, the votes are seven for Valentine and one each for Clary and Luke," he says, nodding to his backstage person to turn the machine off so that the dead people return to hell. "So, that is everything wrapped up now on the Jeremy Kyle show. Don't forget to tune in next time!"

And with that, the television cameras are turned off and everyone mills towards the door.

**THE END**

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_Whatcha think?_

_Please review!_

_Vicky xx_


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